Watching a loved one struggle with substance misuse can be painful, creating division within families and strained or broken relationships. Thus, recognizing signs of substance misuse and knowing how to approach your loved one in an effective, non-confrontational way is critical to their recovery.

Maybe you are putting off approaching your loved ones about their substance use out of fear over how they will respond. You might be worried that the individual will get angry and defensive or not want to associate with you anymore. While this may be a potential outcome, it is not a good reason to avoid confronting them about their problem. This individual may not recognize that they have a problem or feel motivated to seek treatment without a nudge from someone who cares about them.  

How to Recognize if Your Loved One Has a Problem 

If you suspect that your loved one has a substance abuse disorder, but you want to be sure before you confront them about it, there are some signs you can be on the lookout for:

• Has the individual struggled to perform at work or school?
• Are they struggling financially, battling legal issues, or asking to borrow money?
• Do they engage in substance use even if it causes problems within their relationships?
• Are they secretive about their substance use?
• Do they isolate themselves from others?
• Have they been neglecting their personal hygiene? 
• Do they lie about how often they engage in substance use? 
• Do they seem uninterested in activities or hobbies that used to bring them joy? 
• Is it difficult to get ahold of them either via phone or in-person? 

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, it is possible that the individual has a substance use problem and needs to seek treatment. 

How to Go About Confronting Them

#1. Before approaching your loved one, you need to be prepared. Think about what you are going to say so you do not end up hurting feelings or deterring your loved one from choosing to get treatment. 

Additionally, make the decision as easy as possible for them to seek help. This includes doing your research to ensure you are equipped with resources such as the names and contact information for local treatment centers as well as the times and places a local recovery group meets. By doing this, you will be able to immediately hand over this information when you have completed the conversation.

#2. Pick the right location for this conversation. The last thing you want your loved one to feel during this confrontation is as if they are being attacked. The location is critical and should be a private place, out of earshot of others, where the individual can feel comfortable with vulnerability. 

#3. Be careful with the tone you use. Be sure to emphasize how much you care about the individual and that you want the best for them. Express how their substance abuse makes you feel personally, but avoid acting angry or judgemental as this could cause the conversation to backfire. 

#4. Allow them time to speak. This is a two-way conversation and not a lecture. Give the individual a chance to respond to what you are telling them. 

#5. Ask questions that may encourage the individual to open up about their struggles with substance use and mental health so that you can better support them. For example, “Why do you feel the need to engage in substance use?” and “What can I do to be there for you?”

What NOT to Do When Confronting Your Loved One About Their Substance Misuse 

While you want to be firm and sincere when confronting your loved one, you do not want to be overly harsh, as this can only create further division and may deter them from seeking help. Thus, there are some things to keep in mind that you will want to avoid. 

#1. Do not make threats in hopes of scaring them into getting help. 

#2. Do not guilt-trip them into treatment, rush their recovery, or try to make them feel even more ashamed.

#3. Do not have this confrontation when the individual is actively under the influence. This is not productive and can lead to heightened emotions and arguments. 

#4. Do not make excuses for your loved one’s actions out of fear of hurting their feelings. 

#5. Do not blame yourself for your loved one’s struggles with addiction. 

#6. Do not use harsh and harmful words like “alcoholic”, “addict” or “junkie.” It is not anyone’s place but that of a medical professional to label the individual’s condition. 

It can be a harrowing and painful journey watching someone you care about lose themself in addiction. It can also be very intimidating to approach them about it due to fears of how they will react or how it will impact your relationship with them. However, putting off confronting someone about substance misuse can often make the situation worse. Before engaging them, it is important to be prepared with resources that you can present the individual about where they can seek treatment. You’ll also want to plan out what you’re going to say in advance so you don’t end up saying something hurtful, judgemental, or counterproductive. Do not guilt-trip the individual or use harsh words, but express your willingness to support them instead. If you or a loved one struggle with substance abuse, our team at The Kimberly Center can help. Call (855) 452-3683 today to learn more about treatment options and individualized plans.